I feel bad today because my surveys are not doing good for this month of November. This is very critical for me because having good surveys for the month of November and December will bring me to Sydney, Australia. I wanna go there. I feel I am not lucky enough to get what I wanted.
Here comes these insecurities that I have. Recently, I just knew that my ex classmates passed the chemical engineering board exams. God, i feel envious for You know this is what I really wanted from the very start. I wanted to be a chemical engineer. I feel I am so dumb, pretty undeserving to gain what the world is capable of giving to me. I know I could have made it but then and again, I sucked.
Yes, I sucked and I sucked on. Bitch. One day, I remembered how I was lambasted by an old friend who works now as a seaweed analyst at Kerry's. We were close friends until he insulted me one day that I am insecure because I never got a degree, that I was only jealous because I never had this and that. He must be very stupid to tell me that, without knowing I actually have what he doesn't have PERSONALLY. I know I am not capable of having a good friendship with people but God, you know I tried and I did and I cared for that bitch. I just couldn't accept the fact that he was the one who told me that very insulting, degrading, and deadly truth. I never thought an old dear friend would ever tell me a thing like that. I am hurt until now. I pity myself. Well, it's true but he knows I am the weakest person who cannot accept criticisms like that because of high expectations from people around me.
One factor why I wasn't successful in college is that I studied without full financial support. It was indeed my fault because I was a very ambitious person who dreamed of becoming one of the best. My scholarship fundings were not enough to sustain my needs so I ended up with nothing. I am not sure if I blame mom and dad for being less supportive to me financially because of the fact that they're my parents. I owe a lot to them. But, honestly, a part of me blames them for being such.
im sorry for being nega today.
