I feel bad today because my surveys are not doing good for this month of November. This is very critical for me because having good surveys for the month of November and December will bring me to Sydney, Australia. I wanna go there. I feel I am not lucky enough to get what I wanted.
Here comes these insecurities that I have. Recently, I just knew that my ex classmates passed the chemical engineering board exams. God, i feel envious for You know this is what I really wanted from the very start. I wanted to be a chemical engineer. I feel I am so dumb, pretty undeserving to gain what the world is capable of giving to me. I know I could have made it but then and again, I sucked.
Yes, I sucked and I sucked on. Bitch. One day, I remembered how I was lambasted by an old friend who works now as a seaweed analyst at Kerry's. We were close friends until he insulted me one day that I am insecure because I never got a degree, that I was only jealous because I never had this and that. He must be very stupid to tell me that, without knowing I actually have what he doesn't have PERSONALLY. I know I am not capable of having a good friendship with people but God, you know I tried and I did and I cared for that bitch. I just couldn't accept the fact that he was the one who told me that very insulting, degrading, and deadly truth. I never thought an old dear friend would ever tell me a thing like that. I am hurt until now. I pity myself. Well, it's true but he knows I am the weakest person who cannot accept criticisms like that because of high expectations from people around me.
One factor why I wasn't successful in college is that I studied without full financial support. It was indeed my fault because I was a very ambitious person who dreamed of becoming one of the best. My scholarship fundings were not enough to sustain my needs so I ended up with nothing. I am not sure if I blame mom and dad for being less supportive to me financially because of the fact that they're my parents. I owe a lot to them. But, honestly, a part of me blames them for being such.
im sorry for being nega today.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
FROM A DISTANCE
This song by the very famous Bette Midler reminds me about faith. That in every faith, there exists hope to explore the endless frontier that brings joy and happiness to an individual like me.
Here in my little crowded room filled with anxiety and empty memories, with windows closed to avoid the entrance of unwanted flying creatures, happy thoughts of becoming someone and being there and to other places tell me to stop, quit my job, book a ticket, and welcome myself back home to put an end to my unfinished business. My home is a place where someone deserving to be a scholar should be in, and somebody who is so innocent and good should not go to and stay. It sits on vague hills beside the mystic lake faced by a majestic sleeping lady dwelling across the unexpected body of blue-black water. And now, I wanna go back home and finish my studies. Can I still do that now that I already have a well-paid job?
Just by peering at the wooden open corner that views the Southeast direction pointing the Northern gates of the land of promise, 160 nautical miles away from where I molded my personality and weird analytical skills, I can still remember the painful past. But even if that was the case, I have to weigh my options in order to decide which path that I need to follow. Contemplating the beauty of any outcome, possible or the impossible one's, I am still insecure. You know what I mean. I don't trust myself anymore. I lose my confidence way back then, those bad memories that pulled me down in the academe and deprived me to continue and pursue graduation. Now that I am already motivated, can I do this without the help and financial support of my parents?
Now that I am half-decided, I only have 6 months to save moolah for this plan and 6 months to enjoy what I haven't done. Sex in the City. Drugs and Injections. I'm only kidding, the hell with drugs. From now on, it will be six months before I re-enter school, go back for good to get a diploma, and debate again for Marawi. I hope I am in the right mind to fix and do what I just thought. False dilemma. If I'll do this, I will miss you for sure especially if you won't go to Singapore anymore.
Here in my little crowded room filled with anxiety and empty memories, with windows closed to avoid the entrance of unwanted flying creatures, happy thoughts of becoming someone and being there and to other places tell me to stop, quit my job, book a ticket, and welcome myself back home to put an end to my unfinished business. My home is a place where someone deserving to be a scholar should be in, and somebody who is so innocent and good should not go to and stay. It sits on vague hills beside the mystic lake faced by a majestic sleeping lady dwelling across the unexpected body of blue-black water. And now, I wanna go back home and finish my studies. Can I still do that now that I already have a well-paid job?
Just by peering at the wooden open corner that views the Southeast direction pointing the Northern gates of the land of promise, 160 nautical miles away from where I molded my personality and weird analytical skills, I can still remember the painful past. But even if that was the case, I have to weigh my options in order to decide which path that I need to follow. Contemplating the beauty of any outcome, possible or the impossible one's, I am still insecure. You know what I mean. I don't trust myself anymore. I lose my confidence way back then, those bad memories that pulled me down in the academe and deprived me to continue and pursue graduation. Now that I am already motivated, can I do this without the help and financial support of my parents?
Now that I am half-decided, I only have 6 months to save moolah for this plan and 6 months to enjoy what I haven't done. Sex in the City. Drugs and Injections. I'm only kidding, the hell with drugs. From now on, it will be six months before I re-enter school, go back for good to get a diploma, and debate again for Marawi. I hope I am in the right mind to fix and do what I just thought. False dilemma. If I'll do this, I will miss you for sure especially if you won't go to Singapore anymore.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Why I Broke The Tie
I wanna write this because I am frustrated. I wanna say I hate this person, yet deep in my heart it says I miss this bitch. Life sometimes says decisions are to be made so that we can move on whatever we've been through. Now, I wanna tell you a story why I broke the tie between me and a bitch named Rhems.
We've been friends for 4 long years since I landed MSU-Marawi. We were in the same college, him in Biology and me in Chemistry. We were also debate partners and that's the reason why we became close. Both of us are from different walks of life but there is still a common denominator that bonds us on why we became friends til I broke the tie. Recently, when I was hired in Convergys December 2009, I've been eager and so excited to see him since he was the one who settled in Cebu last year's May. Things changed and I really noticed that. Promises were kept that he will see me on his RD's but definitely, promises were made to be broken. Til now, we never meet. Then here comes a time when I decided that I had to give up our friendship because I felt he doesn't need me anymore as one of his friends.
I gave up. I was very honest to him that it's time to say goodbye since I was hurt and frustrated. Nobody knows how I really needed a friend that time. No one has any idea how it was very hard for me to live a single and lonely life here in Cebu. I am aware that my decision was very abrupt, stupid, shallow and bad since I ended up a friendship that should be cherished for years. We made that in a step by step process and there was already a foundation in it. There were memories that are wonderful to be shared to people who need inspiration for their dreams to come true. No other story can be compared on how we made it in MSU even if he was the only one who got the diploma, me left behind almost shattered and dead.
Dude, if you only know, I miss you and I still value you as part of my very precious past. But I'm so sorry, I'm already big. Life has to move on with great decisions and basically, I am firmed I can live now without you as a friend.
We've been friends for 4 long years since I landed MSU-Marawi. We were in the same college, him in Biology and me in Chemistry. We were also debate partners and that's the reason why we became close. Both of us are from different walks of life but there is still a common denominator that bonds us on why we became friends til I broke the tie. Recently, when I was hired in Convergys December 2009, I've been eager and so excited to see him since he was the one who settled in Cebu last year's May. Things changed and I really noticed that. Promises were kept that he will see me on his RD's but definitely, promises were made to be broken. Til now, we never meet. Then here comes a time when I decided that I had to give up our friendship because I felt he doesn't need me anymore as one of his friends.
I gave up. I was very honest to him that it's time to say goodbye since I was hurt and frustrated. Nobody knows how I really needed a friend that time. No one has any idea how it was very hard for me to live a single and lonely life here in Cebu. I am aware that my decision was very abrupt, stupid, shallow and bad since I ended up a friendship that should be cherished for years. We made that in a step by step process and there was already a foundation in it. There were memories that are wonderful to be shared to people who need inspiration for their dreams to come true. No other story can be compared on how we made it in MSU even if he was the only one who got the diploma, me left behind almost shattered and dead.
Dude, if you only know, I miss you and I still value you as part of my very precious past. But I'm so sorry, I'm already big. Life has to move on with great decisions and basically, I am firmed I can live now without you as a friend.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
An Open Letter
Dear Robert,
Forgive me but I like you. I just don't know why. It's really hard to feel this way, and I'm guilty of having this. I know it's not right, but I feel that's what makes me happy. Don't you see it? I like you. And I'm afraid I am now ready to love you like what I felt long before.
As days passed since I met you in January, things evolved and my life started to change. I don't know. But I once told my room mate that it's like I'm back in high school whenever you're around. I like everything about you, though not everything, but I know you are already a great package for someone who is looking for a real love. Anything about you is considered special. I checked that long ago before I made a critical judgment on you. You're better than "fine" because you are intelligent and smart. And it's not a doubt that you are handsome, everybody knows you really are. But I just hope you also know, though everybody likes you because of what you are, nothing can compare my deep appreciation for you. I like you, more than how they do.
There are times that I am insecure because I feel I am nothing compared to you. I don't have the capability to be like you, to be like your friends who look good all the time, and I have no idea what's on your mind. I am sure you're not numb. You know I am pathetic. Loser. Whatever. Shit happens for a reason. But this is me. I'm trying even if I can't. I'm still holding on even if there's no warm response from you. But I'm already tired. I am not patient anymore of following your facebook page everyday. I am already bored of waiting your replies. I keep on looking at my cellphone and dream that one day, I receive even one text message from you. But now I am tired, and I just give up. Just now. I'm so sorry.
God made plans for both of us. I know I became deviant to His laws but I tell you, I made arrangements with him that all I want from you is purely friendship and company. I never ask anything beyond that. But maybe the High Heavens know that I am really deviant. And maybe, this is also the reason why my story ended like this. I hope you'll be fine with your plans and goals. I wish you all the best things in life that God has to offer. But just remember Rob, please forgive me if I didn't give myself a chance to say, I LIKE YOU.. I tried. It's just time didn't allow me to say it so.
Forgive me but I like you. I just don't know why. It's really hard to feel this way, and I'm guilty of having this. I know it's not right, but I feel that's what makes me happy. Don't you see it? I like you. And I'm afraid I am now ready to love you like what I felt long before.
As days passed since I met you in January, things evolved and my life started to change. I don't know. But I once told my room mate that it's like I'm back in high school whenever you're around. I like everything about you, though not everything, but I know you are already a great package for someone who is looking for a real love. Anything about you is considered special. I checked that long ago before I made a critical judgment on you. You're better than "fine" because you are intelligent and smart. And it's not a doubt that you are handsome, everybody knows you really are. But I just hope you also know, though everybody likes you because of what you are, nothing can compare my deep appreciation for you. I like you, more than how they do.
There are times that I am insecure because I feel I am nothing compared to you. I don't have the capability to be like you, to be like your friends who look good all the time, and I have no idea what's on your mind. I am sure you're not numb. You know I am pathetic. Loser. Whatever. Shit happens for a reason. But this is me. I'm trying even if I can't. I'm still holding on even if there's no warm response from you. But I'm already tired. I am not patient anymore of following your facebook page everyday. I am already bored of waiting your replies. I keep on looking at my cellphone and dream that one day, I receive even one text message from you. But now I am tired, and I just give up. Just now. I'm so sorry.
God made plans for both of us. I know I became deviant to His laws but I tell you, I made arrangements with him that all I want from you is purely friendship and company. I never ask anything beyond that. But maybe the High Heavens know that I am really deviant. And maybe, this is also the reason why my story ended like this. I hope you'll be fine with your plans and goals. I wish you all the best things in life that God has to offer. But just remember Rob, please forgive me if I didn't give myself a chance to say, I LIKE YOU.. I tried. It's just time didn't allow me to say it so.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
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Sunday, January 31, 2010
If Tomorrow Comes
Just like Tracy, I'm also not aware what happens if tomorrow comes. But what's certain in my mind is that I want everything to be memorable, adventurous and full of fun as my journey starts to penetrate the world of what used to be extraordinary in an average person's mind. Here are some of the best plans that I want to happen this year, and I hope it will:
*HONGKONG - credits to Gladys, my highschool classmate, she already had her HK roundtrip tickets due for August this year. I really want to join her for I know, it will be our first time to travel abroad. My gosh. If it's your first time to travel anywhere in the world, lots of new things will come into your way. I'm looking forward to this date and right now, I'm waiting all day/night long for Cebu Pacific's next International Promo Seat sooner or later. Crossfingers. Give me a break.
*BORACAY or CORON, Palawan - I work in a very dynamic company that is known for well-planned escapades. Yes, they're doing these as incentives to employees who show dedication and passion to their productive jobs and team building as well. I'd love to end my excitement by simply knowing when will it push through. But if not, fine. Rancy, a highschool classmate, just suggested if possibly, we can have a package trip together somewhere in the country. My suggestion? Bora or Coron! Start saving lad.
*SIMALA - Somewhere in my heart, there lies a passion of visiting old and miraculous churches. Simala as what my sister said is a very nice and breath taking spot in Southern Cebu. I wish I can visit the place considering my demanding job schedule and deprived knowledge of locating the site. But one thing's for sure, I'll be there soon to pray and ask guidance.
A lot of things complete my list of what I am gonna do this year. Part of these are going back to school, meeting new people, touring Cebu's beaches and a lot I swear! I'll just keep you all posted. I wish Keir will be with us the moment I join the trips above.
*HONGKONG - credits to Gladys, my highschool classmate, she already had her HK roundtrip tickets due for August this year. I really want to join her for I know, it will be our first time to travel abroad. My gosh. If it's your first time to travel anywhere in the world, lots of new things will come into your way. I'm looking forward to this date and right now, I'm waiting all day/night long for Cebu Pacific's next International Promo Seat sooner or later. Crossfingers. Give me a break.
*BORACAY or CORON, Palawan - I work in a very dynamic company that is known for well-planned escapades. Yes, they're doing these as incentives to employees who show dedication and passion to their productive jobs and team building as well. I'd love to end my excitement by simply knowing when will it push through. But if not, fine. Rancy, a highschool classmate, just suggested if possibly, we can have a package trip together somewhere in the country. My suggestion? Bora or Coron! Start saving lad.
*SIMALA - Somewhere in my heart, there lies a passion of visiting old and miraculous churches. Simala as what my sister said is a very nice and breath taking spot in Southern Cebu. I wish I can visit the place considering my demanding job schedule and deprived knowledge of locating the site. But one thing's for sure, I'll be there soon to pray and ask guidance.
A lot of things complete my list of what I am gonna do this year. Part of these are going back to school, meeting new people, touring Cebu's beaches and a lot I swear! I'll just keep you all posted. I wish Keir will be with us the moment I join the trips above.
Friday, January 22, 2010
It's Over
I wake up one day thinking that everything is just a dream. It's over and I'm no longer forced to create a picture of what we should become at the end. People know it's crazy for me to defend things that aren't mean to be argued and appreciated constructively but like what they notice about me, I made a white fortress just for the two of us. Yes, it is wrong because I almost isolate myself from what it seems to be. I know it's over but at least, I am thankful I never become insane. God knows one day, I will be happy for the rest of my life.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The Man Whose Name Starts With F
"Somewhere in my heart, there is still a part that says I am confused."
Today is the 16th of January, and I've been here in Cebu for a month and 4 days already. Lots of things happened in my life, and just like yesterday, I can't believe I made it as far as Product Support Training which is a very hard knowledge absorption when you commit to become a Sprint specialist. Part of this, I also realized I'm starting to become an adult and rationalize things with maturity. In line with this, allow me to introduce to you someone whose name starts with F.
Like no other, he's my wavemate in Sprint and I like him perhaps. For some other reasons, I really doubt our semi closeness because of some issues that sprout between him and another officemate. I know that many days ago, I almost came into a stand that it's time, after 3 years, to welcome myself back in Valentines day until I heard the side of Drew. I can no longer think properly that definitely affects my behavior as me. Anyway, that's just the bottomline. I am certainly afraid that one day, my persona is devastated again just because I allow a certain standard which is not really accepted in the four corners of Catholiscism. Indeed, I am a Roman Catholic.
The type of life that we have in the training room is like a churning river that boils in an unexpected tempo. It explains our closeness that only occured last week which, at the very start, gave me a smiling start. As a matter of fact, he gave me a hard copy of that picture above after I asked him one. I dunno. I just love the person that you are looking now.
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